en-An end disguised as a new beginning.

I know that I'm not the only one.

Unfortunately.

At what point life turned into a race against time is hard to say exactly. And it's not something one wants to remember. Not even now. But these days, at least, it's usually possible to talk about it without crying.

"There was a time when even lying on the floor was too much."

I woke up in the middle of the night with such a severe headache that I almost threw up. I got up from the bed and went to the couch because I felt that if I lay back down, I would throw up immediately. I have never been a headache person.

It got so bad that I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore, the vomiting wouldn't stop, so eventually I had to go to the hospital. While lying in the hospital, I thought that life can't continue like this; something has to change. This was the second time life had brought me to a complete standstill.

Long days, long weeks, without days off or holidays. 

What does that kind of life do to a human being? Who or what tricked me into this? 

- "We have always had to work hard." - "Only by working hard are you worth something." - "No one appreciates lazy people."  - "Keep moving, be useful." 

And I tried to keep up. Do more, be a better person, but for whom? The kids only remember that mom was always tired. They remember that the only thing that could cheer mom up was making her a cup of coffee when she came home from work. 

All those times when I drove home from work, and my brain was trying to run a marathon at the world record speed of 100 meters, screaming at the same time that I can't do this, I'm too tired. All those times when I 'woke up' behind the wheel and wondered to myself how I was already home. I didn't remember anything about the drive back home.

"It was safer to keep moving all the time, because I knew that if I stopped, I would fall to my knees right then and there, and wouldn't have the strength to get up again."

When I got home from the hospital, I decided to close down my business at the time. I had been working on it for just over 10 years. 

But what happens when you let go of the strings and allow all that exhaustion to wash over you — that, I had no idea about yet. Fortunately.

Well, for example, I could sleep almost the entire day. I woke up in the morning like usual. Made coffee and had breakfast, only to realize that I was too tired to stay awake, and went back to bed. I woke up after a few hours, looked at the clock, and thought that people usually have lunch around this time. I went to the kitchen and made some food, only to realize again that I was too tired to stay awake, and went back to bed. I woke up, looked at the clock, and thought to myself that dinnertime had already passed, but I should try to eat something...

For example, I walked to the nearest grocery store, 800 meters away. The walk there went fine, but on the way back, I had to stop several times because my legs felt like I had just finished a marathon. Little by little, I started walking farther and farther, but every time I went out for a walk, I had to think carefully about where to go — just to make sure I'd still have the strength to also walk back home.

And then my favorite. All those times I made coffee and forgot to place the coffee pot under the machine, leaving the whole mess all over the counter — or the other way around, with the filter part sitting nicely waiting on the counter with the coffee grounds, and only water running straight into the pot. So my kitchen counters were clean and polished, because I drink coffee a lot. 

This later became a kind of warning sign for me. When I was already doing better and no longer making as many 'mistakes' in my daily life, if this coffee mishap happened again, I knew that my recovery was starting to slip downhill again. It reminded me to stop and think about where things might be starting to get out of control again, and especially where they might be starting to go too fast again. 

There were also some really funny mishaps — even though they didn't feel funny at the time, only afterward. One of the funniest stories I've shared was when I rushed off to work, I was already in the elevator with my bicycle on my way down, and luckily, I happened to glance at myself in the elevator mirror — I had put my running tights on backwards. In a panic, I quickly pressed the button to go back up from the ground floor before anyone else could get in the elevator, hoping I'd make it home in time to fix them before anyone saw me. So even my running tights were "running back home", not to work. This is what everyday life looks like when your brain just isn't working properly.

My healing from that world into this world had begun.

"I was not afraid of death, but I was afraid that the exhaustion would ever come back."

When you truly realize what a whirlwind the years and your life have been, the only thought in your head after that is: never again. The more I realized, the more I started to fear that it would never come back. It's like your life is a slow-motion movie, where you are the viewer. A real-life horror movie. You actually live the scenes time after time, but you can only watch because you don't have the strength to do anything.

This is only one example of how exhaustion looks. One face of burnout.

My Path to where I am now, today, has felt like an eternity. This has taken 5 years by now, but it has truly felt like a lifetime. Despite everything, I wouldn't trade a single day of it. All of this has been one of the most valuable experiences I've had in my life, and I'm grateful for it. I'm not healed yet, but I'm going there, step by step. I would like to think that I still have time.

"Honor your Path - it's all about Awakening."

-Me

To be continued..